KNOWING OUR 'HOW" AND OUR "WHY", ALIGNMENT AND EMBRACING THE STRUGGLE - PART 1
When Loraine asked me if I would write this week’s blog post I immediately and instinctively said YES absolutely. Within a few seconds though the fear set in. What will people think? Will people like it? What if I can’t do it, etc.?
Compelling myself to write this blog to you has been another opportunity to practice what I have been trying to teach to my 3rd year law students at the University of Calgary Law School – where, since January I have been teaching a course I developed on Mental Health and the Legal Profession. What they say about, if you want to learn something, go try and teach it, is true!
I then shifted my mindset and recognized what a huge opportunity this is. I joined Assist because I wanted to try to hopefully help ease some of the suffering of lawyers in our community who are struggling - just like I did for almost my entire career. Also, like Loraine, I was in the corporate commercial world and not exposed to all of the trauma and incredibly painful and emotional situations so many other brave souls face every day in areas like family or criminal law. Thus, I am grateful for being given this chance to share some of my thoughts with you on an important topic, which I just gave a lecture on last evening.
But back to fear for a minute. I have begun to see fear for what it really is. Excitement in disguise. Fear and excitement evoke the same jittery feelings in the body. This article states “there is virtually no difference, physiologically between the sensations and symptoms of fear and excitement".
One famous quote on this idea is from Fritz Pearls (founder of Gestalt Therapy – although it also seems to be attributed to several others) who said “Fear is excitement without breath” which means the only thing that separates them is mindfulness around the experience and we can turn our fear into excitement by remembering to breathe. Like most things in life, fear and excitement are two sides of the same coin. It is all in how we look at it and what we choose to believe. Our beliefs filter our perspective. Perspective is everything.
I have come to believe that most of what we do in life seems to be motivated by either fear or love - not romantic love but unconditional unlimited infinite love, which is an indescribable energy, our inner essence and what connects us all to each other. Fear and love seem to be in an inverse relationship to each other. The more we fear the less we love, the more separate, alone and disconnected we feel, and vice versa. The more we choose love the more connected and uplifted we feel regardless of what is going on in our outside world.
So, I overcame my self-limiting beliefs, my perfectionism (all based on fear) and here we are. I hope what I have chosen to write about will resonate with you in some way.
Do you know your purpose? Are you living life in accordance with your core values? Do you know your WHY? DO you know your HOW?
At first those questions may not mean much to a busy lawyer whose desk is filled with stressful deadlines and a seemingly never-ending to do list and hundreds of emails to respond to. I believe, however, that asking yourself these two questions alone can change everything! I also believe you owe it to yourself to take a few minutes and actually do it.
Finding Your Purpose
After thinking about what this really means for quite some time, I feel I have a better understanding of what Friedrich Nietzsche meant when he stated: ““He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.”
There are literally thousands of articles on “finding your purpose.” Again, what does that really mean? And what about all the other terms often used, such as values, beliefs, passions, desires, meaning, goals, intentions, intrinsic motivation, etc. And lastly, why should we care?
Values are the core principles and beliefs that guide all our actions and decisions, such as honesty, compassion, truth, justice, freedom, etc. They are what matters to us. They are our internal compass which help us navigate life and choose what feels right or meaningful. It was Einstein who said, “try not to be a person of success, but rather a person of value.” Values are our lighthouse in the stormy seas of life. They allow us to get safely to shore.
Purpose is the overarching reason that gives our life direction and fulfilment. It is the “WHY” behind our actions, tied to our aspirations, desires, passions, or the impact we want to have on the world. Purpose provides a sense of mission or aim that is hopefully aligned well with our values. Meaning is the significance or fulfillment you derive from your life, while our goals are our objectives which help achieve our purpose.
To put it simply, values influence HOW you live, while purpose drives WHY you live, and together they form the foundation for a meaningful life. Here’s another way to look at it:
Values: How I live my life
Purpose: Why am I here?
Meaning: What does it all mean?
Goals: What do I want to accomplish while I am here?
The linchpin in all this is that our values require action. As Ghandi said, “You may never know what results come of your actions, but if you do nothing, there will be no result.” Or Pablo Picasso, “Action is the foundational key to all success.”
While I am not a psychologist, based on my own experience and my own research and conversations with many others, if something is feeling “off” or you are feeling empty or stuck or dissatisfied or discontent with your life, there is a pretty good chance your actions may not be in alignment with your core values.
For lawyers, ethics isn’t just a professional responsibility—it’s deeply intertwined with personal integrity and self-worth. At the heart of ethical behavior lies honesty, a value that is likely central to how many lawyers view themselves. However, when a lawyer’s actions stray from this core value—whether by omission, accident, misjudgment, or external pressure—it creates a profound disharmony within.
Honesty forms the foundation of trust, both with others and within ourselves. When that foundation is shaken, it can lead to a deep sense of unease—a misalignment that doesn’t just sit in the mind but ripples outward, affecting the entire mind-body-spirit system.
Research has shown how unresolved stress, guilt, and inner conflict can manifest as physical illness. This isn’t just metaphorical. The body absorbs and reflects the burdens we carry in our hearts. When there’s dis-ease within—a lack of alignment between actions and values—it can evolve into disease if it is repressed and not addressed. For people who feel they’ve strayed from their core principles, this disharmony often weighs heavily, compounding stress, anxiety, and causes feelings of deep despair.
If you’re experiencing a core misalignment, it’s essential to act. Avoiding it only deepens the disconnect, both within yourself and in your relationships with others. What we resist persists. It’s not about how you *think* about the misalignment or how you rationalize it. At the end of the day, what matters is what you do about it. If you are feeling out of sync with what is most important to you, your core values, here are some steps you can take to begin the process of healing and restoration:
- Acknowledge the Misalignment: Reflect honestly on your actions and how they’ve diverged from your ideals. Recognition is the first step toward change.
- Make Amends: If others were affected by your actions, consider reaching out to make amends. An authentic apology goes a long way in repairing trust and releasing guilt.
- Forgive Yourself: This might be the hardest step, but it’s also the most transformative. Remember that no one is perfect, and every mistake is an opportunity for growth. Show yourself the same kindness and understanding you would offer a dear friend.
- Recommit to Your Values: Take proactive steps to realign with your underlying core principles and reaffirm your dedication and commitment to them.
- Lean on Your Support Systems: You do not have to face this alone. Please do not suffer in silence. Reach out to others. Whether they be trusted colleagues, friends, or professional resources. Seek guidance and encouragement. Remember, Assist is here to help —it takes just one call to start the journey toward healing.
- Forgiveness—both of yourself and others—has the power to lift the heaviest burdens from your soul. When you forgive, you release the guilt, resentment, anger, or shame that may have been holding you back, creating space for peace and renewal.
As you begin to realign with your core ideals, you’ll likely notice the harmony returning to your life—not just emotionally but physically and spiritually as well. It’s a reminder that we are deeply interconnected beings, and living in alignment with our values allows us to thrive holistically.
At its core, law is a service profession. It’s about helping people navigate complex challenges, protect their rights, and find justice. Yet, in the hustle and grind, it’s easy to lose sight of this simple truth: your work changes lives. When you focus on service to others, you reconnect with the higher purpose of being a lawyer.
There’s profound joy in serving others, even in the smallest acts. For lawyers, service might look like:
- Advocating for clients who are at their most vulnerable and do not have a voice;
- Mentoring a younger lawyer who is finding their way, or
- Taking on pro bono work to fight for justice in underserved communities.
Every time you use your skills to uplift someone else, you reaffirm the noble ideals that first drew you to this profession.
When you focus on service, you shift the emphasis from external validation to intrinsic meaning. Serving others reminds us that our work is not just a collection of cases or hours—it’s a contribution to the greater good. And in that contribution, we often find the healing and purpose we’ve been searching for. This is an inside job. All that we are seeking is found within.
One of the greatest challenges in the legal profession is the pervasive culture of competition and perfectionism. But here’s the truth: we’re all in this together. The legal profession is not a solo pursuit; it’s a shared responsibility to uphold justice, integrity, and dignity. Kindness and respect should no longer be the exception. It must be the rule. Treating our colleagues, clients, and yes, even opposing counsel, with empathy and compassion creates a ripple effect, improving not just your own experience but the culture of the profession as a whole. Why make the job harder than it needs to be? Everyone is facing their own battles, and a little kindness can go a long way in making those battles feel lighter.
Please think about it. Are you currently prioritizing avoidance of all your worries, anxieties and fears (WAFs)? Are you prioritizing the need for absolute control over external outcomes in your life? Are you prioritizing the validation of others? Or are you being true to yourself and prioritizing your core values?
Ask yourself these questions:
- Are the choices I am making in respect of the things I am actively pursuing in life actually aligned with what I care deeply about?
- Am I currently engaged in any activities that bring meaning and fulfillment into my life?
- Or are my decisions motivated by the desire to avoid discomfort and maintain control over outcomes?
If you said yes to #3 then you are likely allowing your WAFs to control your life.
It can get confusing. Often people will say “I do not have any values,” which to me means they are confusing values with goals. Values are not something that can go on a to do list. They are never done. They cannot be checked off like a goal. Another misconception is focusing only on outcomes. Values do not have any expectation of reward. The destination itself is the journey. Further, values are not one and done. They are a life-long process and evolve over the course of life. They are never static, which is why it is necessary to regularly reflect and reevaluate them. Values also often get confused with our feelings. Values are beyond how you feel. They depend solely on what you do.
If you are unsure about your values, there are overwhelming resources out there. One of the best ways I have found is to do your own personal “values audit” by examining how you spend both your money and your time. This will tell you almost all you need to know about what you care about. One important caveat to this though – be sure you are not spending your time and your money trying to please someone else or avoid disappointing them. This, in my experience, is a recipe for unhappiness and ultimately will not serve anyone well.
In Bronnie Ware’s book, The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying, she discovered the #1 regret of those who have prematurely passed was as follows:” I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, and not the life others expected of me.” By the way, #2? I wish I would not have worked so hard… very relevant to all the workaholics out there who have tied their worth to their output. But that is a topic for another day.
Well, as it turns out I do have lots to say. Who knew. This blog was much too long so I am breaking it up into two parts. In Part 2 next week I will discuss what other questions we can ask ourselves to ensure we know our values and are doing our best to practice law and live our life in alignment with them. I will talk about an author who says values are not something that can be found but rather ensue from living life and trying new things. I will also discuss the beautiful Japanese method of Ikigai for uncovering our true reason for being.
Thank you for reading my inaugural meditation. Have a great weekend.
Marc