I am certain many of us have had the thought “I’ll be happy when…”. When I make partner, have more money, get a new position, new office, new house, new relationship, etc.
I invite you to consider the possibility that not one of those things
needs to happen – that happiness is not something that can be pursued (despite what the US Declaration of Independence says) but is what arises naturally once you give up pursuing it entirely – when your attention turns from what’s lacking (without) to what you already are (within). What do you think? Is it possible to be happy without changing any of our circumstances? While I was pondering this paradox, this short article showed up in my inbox:
https://validlaws.com/you-can-change-your-life-without-altering-your-circumstances/?utm_source=humanpsychologyfacts.beehiiv.com&utm_medium=newsletter&utm_campaign=why-you-push-love-away-the-psychology-of-avoidant-attachment&_bhlid=7c24ca47bddcc336e6879d926e42a1bec72b2b05But this blog is not about the search for happiness in our futures. It’s actually about going in the other direction –the past. This blog is for all of us who’ve laid awake ruminating on how “I should have” done this or “I should have” done that. Living anywhere but fully in the present can steal our joy if we allow it. Please join Mindfulness every Tuesday at noon to learn about the incredible power of presence to restore our peace and happiness.
Fifteen years ago my world came crashing down. My 2
nd marriage and physical health were in shambles. I was suddenly simultaneously staring down an advanced cancer diagnosis and highly contentious divorce and custody battle, which had I lost I thought would have fully destroyed me, so I had to fight for my life on all fronts. Worst of all though was being confronted 24/7 with how breaking my vows had deeply hurt and alienated my 4 children.
Last week a final settlement was reached and a consent order was filed in BC Supreme Court. So grateful. But what surprised me was realizing I wasn’t most grateful for the outcome, but rather for all the incredibly valuable (albeit painful) lessons I learned along the way. Such as learning how to forgive and have compassion for myself and others, appreciating just how deeply interconnected we all are. To learn that the suffering did serve some sort of deeper purpose – to wake me up to the truth of why we are here and what life might be all about. And to learn perhaps the ultimate truth - that all that I was chasing and fighting so hard to attain and become all this time, I already was - I had just forgotten. It felt like finally being let in on what so many refer to as the “cosmic joke”.
As Polonius said in Hamlet:
“This above all: to thine own self be true”. And from one of the most widely quoted scriptures in the Bible, “and ye shall
know the truth, and the truth shall set you free” – John 8:32
After having reflected deeply on the meaning of truth and freedom, I have, as of late, been leaning into a different perspective I’d like to share. One that was taught thousands of years ago and which seems to be supported more and more lately by modern psychology, philosophy, biology, neuroscience, quantum physics, and even systems theory.
That the transcendence of suffering (true personal freedom) may not lie in doing more, but in consciously doing less. Not more effort but more stillness. Not more doing, but more being — a gentle return to our true nature: pure consciousness.
These past few years have been an unlearning of all that I once believed was true. Truth lately seems less like something to be found and more like what remains when the searching for it finally ends. The answers were not found in working harder and “becoming” more outwardly successful but rather in a gradual “unbecoming”. A slow dissolving of everything I had been taught but never actually investigated for myself. It quickly became evident that truth is literally the polar opposite of all I had thought.
Could it be we were led astray? That the exhausting constant striving to “be somebody” in a seemingly dog-eat-dog world of relentless external achievement was not a true measurement of success and does not lead to happiness (even if actually attained). Have we been looking for our peace in all the wrong places? Could it be that all my attempts to improve myself and become better than I was yesterday were actually blocking my peace? What if the truth was I was never broken? What if there was nothing that needed fixing? What if that were true for us all?
I will not bore you with the gory details which led to the catastrophe I called my life back then. I take full responsibility for it now and no longer blame anyone or anything else, including the stress of my career - although I’m not proud to admit I certainly tried.
At the time things fell apart I was General Counsel for the financial services division of one of the world’s largest US-based conglomerates. Everyone around me had multiple degrees from Harvard, Yale etc. I was the only lawyer from Canada. Imposter syndrome reigned supreme – and this was long before I even knew what that was.
I had also just been transferred from Calgary to Vancouver to lead several BC renewable energy projects, including the largest run of river hydro and wind power projects in the province at the time. Together they cost close to $1 Billion. I was told they would make or break the company’s numbers for the year – even determining whether it declared a dividend that year. Prior to that I’d done one small wind farm financing. The fear and pressure was indescribable. To add to the anxiety I went into massive debt after to purchase a house in Vancouver - at the height of its housing boom.
It took me years to even begin to try to come to grips with the damage I’d done in my personal life, let alone forgive myself for it. I was in victim consciousness (the lowest level) full of guilt and shame. I could not face it. It was too painful to even try to understand.
Instead I did everything to distract myself. I could not sit with my own thoughts. I would keep busy until I collapsed. I was so sleep deprived that when I would stop at a red light I’d literally fall asleep before it turned green and would be jolted by the car horns behind me.
Meditation seemed out of the question. I also could not maintain MBSR (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction) developed by Jon Kabatt Zin and taught to me by the wonderful team at the Tom Baker Cancer Clinic. So today, whenever I mention meditation as a key solution for stressed out lawyers and I see the look that says, “ are you crazy?” I fully get it.
I did not know then how to regulate or process my emotions. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy helped but I needed more. I finally went on heavy anti-depressants for the growing suicidal thoughts and became numb. I did all the things they tell you not to do. Repress, suppress, deny, distract, avoid. I stuffed it all down and refused to let myself feel any of it. Little did I know that “feeling it” was the first door I needed to pass through to get to the other side.
What did I do instead? I went back to work. I rationalized this as the most “responsible” thing to do. I could not turn back time so the least I could do was ensure I could pay for all the damage and not allow my family’s standard of living to take a hit. Looking back I’ve wondered why I’d go back to work the next day? Why did work remain the top priority despite all the chaos going on that so desperately needed my full attention?
I am currently reading a wonderful book entitled, “The Thriving Lawyer”, by psychologist and practising lawyer, Traci Cipriano.
Traci Cipriano JD PhD LLC - Psychologist, Keynote Speaker, Author, Coach, Consultant, Lawyer Well-Being, Law Student Well-Being, Burnout, Emotional Intelligence. She writes as follows:
“Lawyers have a propensity to take a stoic approach in the face of crisis and uncertainty. What do many lawyers do when in crisis and feeling a lack of control? They turn to what they do best: work. They work more. They work harder. They work longer hours. Psychologists call this avoidance. When faced with an unexpected life challenge, we tend to do more of the same, what we believe we are good at, such as working. We do this automatically. You learned early on that through hard work, you can solve problems. When you are dealing with an unexpected crisis, pay attention and ask yourself if this is what you are doing.”If you are going through a personal crisis of your own, please do not do what I did. I am back from the dead to let you know the only way is in. It will not be easy and it will not be comfortable, but it will not kill you. One of the greatest ironies of life I learned though this painful chapter is that once we stop running from all the discomfort and finally embrace it, we discover it was never there to hurt or punish, but to open our heart.
What I learned was that whatever we repress never really goes away but only grows stronger. It will continue to haunt in innumerable, unexpected and inappropriate ways until faced. Then the trapped negative energy is released. I wish there was another way. Some magic pill, but I could not find it (and trust me I looked everywhere!) Admittedly this is a case of do what I say not what I do, but had I listened to my own words back then it would have lessened so much suffering for everyone involved.
You know, it's still astounding to me to recall how I used to believe I was the only lawyer on earth who could not cope with all the pressure. When I found out that it has been known for decades that such high numbers of lawyers suffer from alarming levels of distress, anxiety, addiction, etc., it changed everything for me.
That is why I shifted from practicing law to seeing what I could do to help. Too many people were getting hurt. I had to muster up the courage to share what I’d been through and what I’d learned along the way in the hopes it might help someone. To stop worrying about what others would think. I was inspired by all the other brave souls who were doing it. It wasn’t about becoming fearless but rather just doing it anyway. Gradually the fear subsided. It seems that more and more lawyers are finding their courage to speak up and are helping break the stigma around mental health in law. Maybe they have always been there and I just did notice? Regardless, thank you to all of you for your heroic efforts to effect change.
This is how the current mental health crisis facing our profession will truly begin to shift. Once we each model authentic and genuine compassion for ourselves and others in our own daily lives, then the chaos will subside and law will become more aligned with the truth that resolute advocacy and kindness and compassion are not mutually exclusive.
Just as we cannot overcome inner negativity by resisting or eradicating it (which makes it worse) but instead by simply noticing it (not ignoring or denying) and then choosing to focus more on the positive aspects of our pain, such as our personal growth and evolution of our soul. We will not win this battle by fighting harder (feeding what we fear) but by starving it of its energy source –consciously utilizing our greatest weapon - our attention (the gaze of our soul) and continually remind ourselves of the silver linings behind it all.
The other part of this is knowing just might happen if we keep running from the discomfort. When my life fell apart years ago, I did not face it and 5 years later I was diagnosed with (late stage) cancer. Hypnotherapist Colin Tipping (author of “Radical Forgiveness”) noticed all his clients who had cancer had within the past 5 years experienced trauma which they had not processed.
Also, Dr. Gabor Mate often points out, so many people who develop ALS or MS are often known by their care givers as the “nicest” people. I also learned the hard way there is a difference between being “nice” and “kind”. So many put others ahead of themselves at our own expense and repress the resentment, which, according to Mate, becomes trapped in the body and if never released eventually manifests ailments, or even disease.
I am not saying repressed emotion is the only cause of disease, nor am I blaming those who contract disease saying it is all their fault. I think it’s time we fully acknowledge and accept the mind-body connection. Modern neuroscience, psychoneuroimmunology and holistic medicine have now proven beyond a doubt that the mind and body are deeply interconnected. Chronic mental stress has been shown to suppress immune function, increase inflammation, and elevate risk for diseases like heart disease, diabetes and cancer. It is all interconnected.
https://mcpress.mayoclinic.org/living-well/mind-body-connection-ancient-wisdom-meets-modern-science/Emotional states can literally shape biological outcomes. Treating physical symptoms alone without even considering a mental cause is equivalent to slapping a band-aid on a deeply infected wound. This is why I insist that cultivating emotional intelligence is one of the most hidden and least discussed super-powers for lawyers.
https://www.ibanet.org/article/bc769d24-a76e-447a-aff1-fd92903bbd60Suffice to say that to experience more peace and tranquility in our lives and careers it would help to learn how to process our emotions instead of suppressing or ignoring them (as we were all taught in law) and stop believing we are helpless victims subject to the whims of circumstances -which sadly we can easily become fully identified with.
If you’re at this point, then please try to stop searching externally for the solutions. In my experience they are not found there. That’s the trap I fell into. As I said at RMCC a couple of weeks ago (on self care), “the way out is in.” But even that’s not quite the full picture. The truth is there is no need to escape anything once we truly remember who we really are. That’s when the illusion shatters and we awaken up to truth- that we’re so much more than we’ve been led to believe. We just need to stop looking in the wrong direction.
So many reputable scientists, philosophers and physicists (too numerous to even mention here) are publicly stating, and countless peer reviewed research are coming to the conclusion, that consciousness is the fundamental substratum of our reality. That we are living in a kind of holographic projection. In 2022 the Nobel Prize was awarded to 3 physicists who confirmed the universe is not local, meaning that space and separation may be illusions.
https://www.nobelprize.org/prizes/physics/2022/press-release/.
In other words, we may have it all backwards. What we call the “physical world” may not be the foundation of our reality but the appearance arising within something far more subtle, vast, and real. That physical matter consists of energetic waves of probability, not solid objects. Science it seems is gradually spilling the beans that our physical world may in fact be the illusion, and the invisible, energetic, or spiritual realm may be our true reality.
https://spectrum.library.concordia.ca/id/eprint/991336/1/20220326042406pmNQ22059.pdfAt this point you may be wondering why that matters. How does the nature of consciousness relate to mental health or law? Personally, I believe developing a proper understanding of who we are at our core as humans, and the true nature of our collective reality, is fundamental to lasting inner peace. It represents true freedom from the pressures of daily life. And since no profession faces more pressure than law, I propose that learning about these truths is even more important for us than most.
Further, discovering just how profoundly our internal state of being (energy, frequency and vibration) impacts the physical world around us (and vice versa) is mind blowing and could change your perspective on life forever - in the best way possible. This path offers a way to remain calm, composed, and at peace — regardless of the chaos around us. And that, I believe, is something profoundly important for lawyers to understand and embody.
If you are feeling trapped by all the crushing responsibilities of life and career and if it all feels like too heavy a burden to carry, I want you to know you are not alone, and that there is so much to feel grateful and hopeful for. It will not always feel this way. And the sooner this is realized the sooner it will shift. Which leads to the final key. Surrender.
When it looked like my settlement was falling apart, I found myself extremely stressed and beyond irate. I came to the unsettling realization that maybe I had not truly fully forgiven myself. I needed to dig deeper. I turned my attention within and reflected. I discovered I had in fact not fully let go. I had once again been lured by my ego and the illusion of separation and forgotten my true nature. I had forgotten what the magical Sufi mystic and poet Rumi said so long ago: “
You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in a drop.” I was like the wave who’d forgotten it was not separate from the ocean itself.
I finally realized peace is not something to be attained. How can we attain something that we already are? It’s like running around frantically looking for your glasses only to realize they are already on your face!
The relentless thoughts which mercilessly haunted me from the past gradually dissipated. I realized I didn’t “need” the litigation to be over to be free - I already was free! My external circumstances were not in of themselves the cause of my suffering. It was my thoughts about them. As they say, it’s not what happens to us but the stories we tell ourselves about what happened. Pain may be inevitable but suffering is definitely optional.
Sri Ramana Maharshi, who had a sudden awakening at age 16 and became one of India’s most revered sages, stated, “
Your own self-realisation is the greatest service you can render the world.” He would also often say the most profoundly important question we can ask ourselves is “Who Am I?” He called this “self enquiry”. To learn more about it check out the book “Be as You Are” (edited by David Godman). Just the title alone is likely the secret to happiness. What Ramanah Maharshi was saying in that book has only recently become a bit clearer. That the root of all suffering does not come from any of our external circumstances (no matter how “bad”) but only from our misidentification with them.
Here is a great more down to earth (and medically approved) article on why examining our sense of self is so important for health:
https://www.healthline.com/health/sense-of-self.
So once I accepted and knew I’d be okay regardless of the outcome, the litigation settled. I had literally tried everything else. I used to think surrender meant weakness. But now I know it’s a sign of strength and faith (belief without need for proof). It’s like finally laying down your weapons, not because you’re passively letting the other side win the war, but because you realize you already are what you were fighting for. So it’s not giving up but giving in. To what is True.
Surrender becomes the serene acceptance of life as it is, without feeling the need to control it or protect yourself from it. To know that you will always be okay regardless. To observe without judgement - which I just read somewhere recently is considered one of the highest forms of human intelligence.
There is incredible power in believing that everything will work out even when you do not know how or when or why. You just believe that it will. Because it is always that way. No matter how bad you think it may be in the moment. Later, when you look back, you see that it all happened ultimately for your benefit. The universe does not make mistakes.
This blog has been an invitation – to embrace the discomfort, silence the noise and notice what arises within. To listen to that incessant narrator of your life but without judging it or fusing with it. Instead ask yourself: Where does that voice come from? If I can be aware of it then how can it be me? How can I observe something and also be the very thing I am observing?
If that voice is not me then who am I? Could I possibly be the awareness of my thoughts and not the thoughts themselves and does that mean I actually don’t have to believe every single harsh thing it says about me?
These questions are the beginning of awakening to the truth – that you are not your thoughts. It’s the start of your journey back to the true state of your being, to wholeness. If you’re brave enough to be still even for a minute, what you just might experience is a flash of knowing (remembering) - that the “real you” is not your thoughts, your body, your achievements, or even your ego. And that all this time it’s only been your personal identification with all those things that have been disrupting your inner peace and happiness.
And for those brave enough to fully embrace the inherent uncertainty of life, instead of trying to protect, defend or control it, you may come to see that what you thought were problems to be defeated were actually just messengers – telling you to rest for a moment - to stop fighting and searching outside yourself and instead be still and look within.
In the voice of Sri Ramana Maharshi, you do not need to heal what was never broken. You need only to ask who is it that seeks healing? Or, in the gentle clarity of a more modern mystic, Robert Adams, you are not the one who suffers. You are the one who watches. The moment you stop identifying with the sufferer you may find that your peace is already here. I hope you accept this invitation to be still for a few minutes this weekend and see for yourself.
Lastly, please never forget Assist is here solely to support you and your family. No matter what your life looks. It doesn’t need to be in complete shambles before you call. Assist will help ensure it never gets to that point.
Assist will support you regardless of where you are on your journey. We are all in this together. Please call! Even if you aren’t sure you need to. Do it anyway.
Wishing you all a great weekend. Thank you for reading.
Marc
